Chlorine

I got in the pool last night for the first time in... far too long. Swimming used to be the biggest part of my life. I swam before school, after school... and then I just... stopped. I could've swam in college. I was fast enough to be on the team. I wouldn't have been the best. Middle of the pack, I figure. But it's just so much strain and pressure. Because it's individual, if you fuck up, it's ALL your fault. You didn't train hard enough. You didn't try hard enough. You didn't work hard enough. You didn't want it bad enough. That's not healthy after a while. 


I miss swimming a lot. I know I hated swimming by the end of everything, but it's so weird to just not have it anymore. I think that's part of what made me go a little nuts: I lost all structure, all normality. Swimming has had a huge impact on me, and I just dropped it. I can make a thousand excuses as to why, but I think I was just tired, emotionally and physically. I used to get so nervous, I'd throw up. That was normal, though. You find a lot of swimmers with semi-bulimic issues, I think. It was the start of a lot for me, but by no means the sole cause. Swimming takes so much out of you. Physically, I've had a bum shoulder since I was eleven. That's the price you pay for having a beautiful stroke: the human body isn't built to swim the butterfly (especially not mine). I hurt my shoulder the first time in fifth grade. I was training for districts or regionals or something. I can't remember. To this day, I don't sleep on that side. 


What i miss most of all, though, is that feeling of family. After a really tough practice together, I loved having a big pasta dinner with my team. My first boyfriend was the captain of my swim team. You become a big, weird, incestuous family. It's hard not to, though: you run around half naked most of the day with a group of teenagers, you're bound to feel pretty close. It was the only sport in high school that really BONDED. We were a family. Even on the USS team, and on the Y team, you really bond with your team and your coach. There weren't any cliques. You're all a bunch of weirdos, but it's ok.


I'm not going to lie... it felt good last night. This could be addicting.